Tznius: It's not just for ladies

The term tznius is typically used to describe modesty in dress code: long skirts and long sleeves for ladies, and covered hair for married women. But the concept of modesty can be applied elsewhere as well. It can be used to describe an unassuming, low-key person compared to a smug, arrogant one.

I previously wrote about someone I'll call Ari. This guy has a strain of what is often known as B.T. (ba'al teshuva) Disease; he can't stop reminding people how frum (orthodox/observant) he is. B.T. Disease strikes men who finish a year of yeshiva, going from being very secular to very shtarck (observant and religious) in a short period of time. Suddenly, these men believe everyone should be as shtarck as they are. Sometimes they need to be reminded: it's okay not to be shtarck; everyone has a different level of observance; one's own friends and family members may not yet be at the level of one's own observance. Ari is not only very observant, he is also quite brilliant, and he never misses an opportunity to remind people of same. It's like the old joke of the Harvard graduate who reminds people he is a Harvard graduate in the first two minutes of every conversation. I try not to let it bother me, but I feel like saying, "Ari, would you please shut up?" This can't bode well for his friendship and dating opportunities if he's going to be that annoying.

Referring to the B.T. movement, a friend once commented that men often become observant without becoming religious. Brilliant. He meant that some men go through the motions of halacha (Jewish law) without fully understanding the underlying concept. One of those concepts is humility. For those who are newly observant, that's often a difficult concept to grasp. I tried to help Ari in hopes of preventing him from sounding like an ass. True to his character, he refused to listen.

I've had lunch a few times with someone we'll call J.B. at the homes of a couple of very gracious and patient hosts. J.B. marches into the home, late, removes his black hat, sits down, and starts quizzing the assembled--hosts and guests--on arcane halacha. J.B., would you please shut up? He does this all through the meal. I sat next to him while he pulled this stunt on some yeshiva bochurim (students) a couple of weeks ago--sons of our hosts--and I was embarrassed for him. These young men could run halachic circles around J.B., and they sat politely while he quizzed them on halacha. "Who does this guy think he is?", I imagined them asking each other. They only need to hear that from three men: their father, their rebbe (religious teacher/mentor), and their father-in-law. They don't need to hear it from a ba'al teshuva meal guest. Furthermore, in doing his shtick, J.B. dominates conversation and completely sidelines some of us (ahem) at the table, which is inconsiderate. Finally I asked him to stop, and I managed to change the subject. Like Ari, J.B. is doing himself no favors. I want to ask him: instead of quizzing the table and acting the Grand Poobah of Halacha, try saying, "Here's something interesting I learned from my chavrusa (teacher) this week." And make one point. And then keep quiet. That's the way to express a thought, in a friendly, unassuming way, without coming off like a pompous ass.

I know a few men who are phenomenally intelligent: they excel in their fields of engineering, computer science and law. They are successful in their careers, have large families, and are well schooled in halacha. Guess what? They don't flaunt it. That would not be tznius. That would not be appropriate. That would be arrogant. And they know better.