Sunday, September 5, 2010

Kim Jong-Il to meet the media in Hong Kong

[Simultaneous English translation]

Thank you very much for meeting me in this beautiful city. I love visiting Hong Kong when I'm not threatening the world with complete annihilation. To that end, I have a major announcement. After meditative prayer and careful discussion with my senior advisors, I have decided to end the state of war between the People's Democratic Republic of Korea and South Korea. Furthermore, I would like to begin peace and unification talks immediately--either here in Hong Kong or in Seoul.

Toward that end, I am announcing the immediate termination of the People's nuclear weapon programme. Threatening our southern neighbors and the West in order to receive food and oil is no way to treat friends. I invite the United States and international inspectors to supervise the shutdown of the nuclear weapon programme. From now on, we only intend to use nuclear power to provide heat and power to our long-suffering people.

There is nothing like 61 years of starvation, famine, desperation and despair to prove that our socialist/Communist system does not work here on the Korean Peninsula or anywhere in the world. Are you listening, President Obama? I'm kidding! But seriously, folks, I will need your help in converting our system to a market-based, free capitalist economy.

I am going to continue my rule of the PDRK, though no longer with an iron fist. I plan to stay on only long enough for an election to be scheduled and a new president to be elected. All international observers except Jimmy Carter are invited to make sure the upcoming election is fair.

Since we now welcome political dissent here in the PDRK, there is no longer any need for the gulags holding political prisoners. Today, I am ordering all political prisoners to be released to their families immediately.

We hope the Korean Peninsula will be unified and able to realize its full potential by Jan. 1, 2011.

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